Yeah life!

the new division of sadness...
Wrapped in the warmth of that melancholy jacket..
It's a bittersweetness the flows through my soul..
The endorphines that flood my mind..
fighting those ghosts from so long ago...

wanting to push beyond the 'mundacity' of mediocrity...
this is something that you can't refudiate... LOL
Tired.. tired of not knowing tired of wanting to get beyond.. tired of being unhappy at everything....
It's frustration.. frustration in not having what I want.. and realizing way to late what that is...

Sitting on the edge of laughter and tears

Feeling abit wierd at the moment... perhaps it's the stress at the moment... it's unerving.... I hate being in a position that i can't figure shit out.. and I guess that's my own fault...  however I disdain the work environment that I am in...  it not that I made a mistake.. it's that my source of information was incorrect.. which honestly wasn't his fault.. due to the fact there were two possible sources...

Sigh... ugh... it's a power struggle....

but alas there are other things that are revealing and disturbing at the same moment...  namely the lonliness I'm feeling at the moment...

HEH... the irony of truth....

I've noticed a change on some level.. something that I can't detail or explain... but I have noticed it... conversely it's not that I care (or do I?).. the psyche is a deceitful entity.... I have some very engrained beliefs... one don't trust anyone.. not even myself... and as I get older I'm really believing that everyone has ulterior motives... on almost everything... then again.. I sense this "belief" has gotten a bit stronger in the past year or so...

My mind is a jumble of thoughts at the moment... I'm stressed and anxious... I want to run and vomit... but sleep at the same time.. I hate this place...

Ideas and stagnation

So another idea....

Story...

Wild West era group of friends... adventure seekers... discover a ancient device and with a vow of secrecy commit the last one living to protect it... only to have their grandchildren discover the device and the powers it holds...

I've been a bit side tracked with the mundane... and apathy... and just plain not feeling inspired... this one of the few things lately that I have thought up...

On na mon a pee a

So weird is what weird does...

I've more or less got my "movie" figured out.. the final part are done (in my head) I just need to put them down on 'paper' and then flesh out the dialog for the script..


I'm sort of excited.. I'd have to say this is the most I've been creative in forever and a day... I have a short story I'm writing... which is on another blog (I think it is.... Mismatched Greymatter?)

So now where to... hmm.. I've been slacking a bit so to speak... on a number of things.. the physical activity namely.. I really have pushed that one off... hmm... well.. I need to kick myself back into gear and get that done... each day wasted... ugh...

what else.. I think I'm going to stick with some short stories for the time being... actually I want to do a fairy tale.. a fable or sorts.. but I'm a bit distracted.. fog headed at the moment... I like that term.. fog headed... it's where you get an idea about something but it's not concrete as to what it is.. like your in a fog and you see something but aren't quite sure what it is...

I am a bit disappointed that I'm not getting Kogi on Friday... I am having a repeat... going back to 5 Guys... it's a burger place in Carson... I'm still trying to decide if I like them.. I guess I do.. why am i being so freakin indecisive...

Plus I get Indian/Sri Lankan food Friday night...

hmm... Where to now... I guess I'm in a limbo sense of where to now... maybe that's what's buggin me...  Now not wanting to go done the path of self deprecation as I'm so found of doing.. I've noticed that as the years go by my "anxiety/depression" has changed... it's evolved in a different kind of monster from say 5/10/15 years ago...

Like I was saying I want to write an American fairy tale more or less... plus there is that damn Fable I need to locate... ugh driving me crazy!!

No Tech and 10%

So of the many fanciful ideas that wander into my head...  the reoccurring one has been if I were a rich man.... I would start my own social experiment... though I would need to find a state that I could do this in.. anyway I was thinking about taxes... while currently taxes suck for most anyone.. seriously if you think about it... we get taxed waaay too much and it really is not needed. She the government provide for infrastructure yes.. should we be taxed on every single breathing dollar.. yes... however this is where I'm still formulating the ideas on a "almost" perfect society... Personally I can see the benefits of capitalism.. however I find it very detrimental to society as a whole... this is based on the idea that money has a tendency to corrupt and the power that goes along with it... There are benefits... though in today's day and age I'm pretty much put off by them.. to an extent.. though for me this poses the question is that because of my limited financial means?? I'm sure there is some true there...
I gues the idea is that I simply want to live.. I don't want to live in a state of fear...  hhmm.. perhaps it's something that has already been thought of already.. again I'm probably treading no new ground.. though for me it is.. for my thought process... I'm sure I've been here before.. but for the moment it's new to me...  It's not that I haven't thought about the horrible state the country is in.. let alone the state I live in... watching movies with a historical perspective doesn't help.. despite the strenuous nature of life in the late 1800's early 1900's... This seems like a golden age of America... Now I'm under no pretense that people more any more virtuous then vs today. It just seems that the grey line of right and wrong was not as wide as it is today. Then again it could be once again that scenario of he who has the gold makes the rules...

I guess that's what bothers me... Why do we accept this form of servitude towards others... I just want to live.. I don't mind work that's worth while or what can be explained honestly as a means to better everyone.. but this subservient existence that we subject ourselves to other men... Why do the masses accept the status quo? Regrettably because we have become addicted to mediocrity and service to the few crumbs allotted to us.
hhmm I feel conflicted as I think about this... On some aspects I want to resign off on.. this would be my apathy... why "what's the f-ing point of it" feeling about life in general.

I wrestle with many things... apparently it's this at the moment..  and it always ends in the answer of.. you have no ability to change anything... as you have no means to change things.. I think part of this is because I look back on my past and it frightens me...  oooohhhhh soo many skeletons...

I would say currently I'm contemplative... I'm just thinking.. not happy.. not sad... just kind of whatever.. I see things as getting worse... and I do believe things are going to get worse in the next few years... I guess that's what's naggin at the back of my head for the moment... I'm being forced to in a sense... at least I feel like I'm being forced into a corner... I want to do things a certain way... though get the impression it will not happen.. to which I already have given an answer.... an answer that has not changed...  I know I'm beating my head against the wall... but again.. it's what I want... why can't I get what I want... knowing the consequences...

Here there and everywhere

Wow.. busy busy busy.. not really.

Stress has been a bit high as of late... Come'on Mega Millions!!

I haven't written anything in weeks, and have been obsessed with Julie Powell as of late so that has distracted me from written anything.  Work has been craptastic and I've been on a low boil for almost a week now, today it's more of a lukewarm simmer.

However I've had some pretty interesting reading and I need to flesh something out on this. So I don't remember how it started, perhaps it was reading a news article or something like that which got me to look up unsolved mathematical equations on the internet which got me looking up Enrico Fermi which lead to Trinity to Operation Ivy and things of that nature around the Manhattan Project. Operation Ivy actually takes place after the Manhattan Project, it was the subsequent atomic/nuclear development for the US.

So it got me thinking about Indiana Jones and the whole secret government warehouse scenario and just how cool if there was a TV show along those lines. Something pre WWII, with a sci-fi/spy/thriller action feel, like a pre war 24.

I think it started when I was reading a article about the Hamas/Mossad assassination in Dubai. They were talking about how 21st century technology has put a end to the James Bond-esque type of Cloak & Dagger.

Busy with my other woman

So I've been a bit busy... not in that sense.. busy with reading the J/J blog and then i just started another blog as well.. fuck I think I have like 8 blogs going on at the moment... most are project blogs, that is writing stories and stuff nothing quite visible just yet...

though if your interested in food check out my new blog..

http://gastropalooza.blogspot.com

I have sorta neglected my stories lately.. I've been obsessed with Julie Powell. Though I think this is a good thing... I'm becoming renewed in my food obsession again.. not that it's an obsession.. perhaps "passion" is a better word...

who am I kidding... even my wife knows it's an obsession.

So.. as with all things.. plans and other shit changes.. not always according to what we would like... I'm just sort of figuring this out.. and I'm not going to fret over it and just scrap it like I used to do.. if I'm done when i want it good.. if not.. screw it.. I'll come back to it later...

Business men they drink my wine, Come and take my herb.

Yes I know that's not the lyrics.. but anyway It's relates to one things..

Herbs... and not the 420 kind I'm talking about the culinary need (not that the other can't be used for culinary purposes)...

So I've been hooked on Julie Powell' blog.. It's funny and witty.. which I'm not.. so 2 thumbs up on that..

And seeing as I need to be focused on one thing but actually am focused on 5000 things... (writing, adding to my job skills, slacking, cooking, amateur foodie, other artistic venues, losing weight, mida por nuevo trabajo, etc...)

The Julie/Julia blog has me fixated back on food and cooking.. so now I'm thinking back about my garden... to which i need to expand my herb garden... I have thyme, oregano, sage, rosemary, and mint.. so I need to expand... with that in mind... there is a vendor that I know at the Torrance Farmer's Market on Tuesday's.. he has small potted seedlings for a dollar a pop.. great bargain and better pricing than HD or Lowes or anywhere else that I now...

Just hope he is still there...

iron apple sky

Melancholic...

I'm have a bout of depression.. but for what.. Do i burn myself out to much.. do i set my expectations.. too high... or am I just repeating the smae things over again and again... my behavoir is predictable... that I don't refute..

I'm lazy... and I have no problem detailing my short comings... I don't not view myslef as anyone of worth and the levels of my self deprecation are unending.. should I wish...

I wait... that about all that I do these days...

I had a day doing the thing that I like to do.. however I found myself unsatisfied at the end of the day... or what.. It's late and my bedtime... I have not written anything for some days.. I'm at a turning point.. well maybe not a turning point.. but a moment that I need to develop additional characters.. the villians.. and I have some ideas.. but just have not fel tlike writing.. I'm preoccupied with what I see as crap... and that is my life...

I've allowed it to become a stumbling block again.. and on top of other things.. I'm miserable at my job.. and beginning to dread Sunday's... granted I sit around and pick my ass 99% of the time... honestly.. part of me likes not doing anything.. conversely.. I hate it.. I hate working.. I working the douche bag's that I work for and a handful of who I work with...

I have moments that I fight with myself.. I presently find life pointless and worthless.. but tis is normal.. it's just a bit more crappy... ehn.. whatever... it's all the same shit... just another fucking day...

C U Next Tuesday & Being Bipolar because of girls..

Haunted...
I am hopeless..
time and again.. it's her.. wow.. talk about a flood of feelings... I'm flabbergasted beyond belief...
Have I been lying to myself.. is this also what the quote/unquote poets of the age struggled with.. that one.. that one that steals their heart and forever hides it away.. or is it a product of my own imgaination...

Over the years I have come to distrust my thoughts and feelings... even when dwelling on the thoughts of yesterday.. the thoughts that drive me to repeat or seek some sort of relived glory days..
Tomorrow is "her" birthday..

It was so long ago.. and who am I in love with but a memory of days past.. a memory of my younger days.. a memory that haunts me to this day..

I sit her and think.. and it really is painful..  and again.. I wonder.... just how much of it is self induced...
ugh.. so many conflicts.. conflicts with in my mind.. conflicts of right and wrong. and life eternal..
my anger is the only str that I have and it is nothing..

My obsession with the psyche.. the mind and just understanding that I really am no less screwed up than anyone else... well there are those who probably better well adjusted than myself.....

Wow do i feel bi polar.. and in some ways.. it's exhilerating.. as twisted as that may sound..

I guess it's the feeling of being in a good mood at one moment.. then by the mere gaze of a picture of a girl from years.. now perhaps that's a mistatem,ent.. a mere gaze.. a mere girl..
she was my first love (now this is something that I need to wrestle with.. this is what gets me all fucked up inside.. as there were 2.. is it that she holds more.. is she..the better option..... or is that I truely am in love with 2 girls.. both of them drive me insane...

but I digress.. the bipolar state that I found myself in.. to see her face again.. that gaze upon her face.. those eyes... her hair.. her skin.. to feel them in my arms again.. that burning desire.. the lustful thoughts yet again come flooding in my mind. the memories of nights spent in bed with her.... the hopes.. the youth desires.. the youthful folly in it all.. the sadness that came of it.. the betrayal..and the redemption..

I kick myself for what I do.. and waht i don't do... I wait patiently... patiently for things to come to pass.. but yet I still rabbit trail off what I wanted to go into.. my biplar feelings.
Confusion.. that is the best way to describe this state.. I'm in a good mood this morning.. I was pretty much distracted with the day to day doldrum of monotony... but she pops in my head.. her birthday is tomorrow.. look her up.. send her a happy birthday note....

Wow I'm so distracted with the CUNT from work that I can't even think about anything else at the moment... holy fucking shit...

seriously.. she is a cunty cunt cunt cunt.. i'm so fucking beside myselfy seething with anger....

What a fucking shit hole fucked up place this is!!


..

Yeah we're gonna need you to come in on Sunday..

So i was supposed to have phone interview at 11.. only I never got the call.

And I'm impatient and called the recruiter at 11:04 going WASSSUP??!?!

Only to get the yeah so we're gonna have to reschedule... however I could distinctly hear a less than enthusiastic person on the other line.. what's wrong you were like a stripper on a FOB sailor with a pocket full of cash and no clue where he's at when you were talking to me the other day...

I did however get some strange feeling when I left this morning from seeing them like I just bought a 2 legged camel...

anyway.. what happens.. happens.. just a bit annoyed and stressed...

Yippy skippy

So as a pat on own back... I've lost over 10 lbs since the 2nd week of Jan., which means I'm on track to loose the weight I want to before Summer time.

Just need that home gym I've been eying.

So low and behold.. all I needed to do was ride a bike a bit and watch how much I eat. Though I would say I get a bit neurotic about it from time to time... weekend before I felt guilty for what I thought was gorging myself. I just need to get back on my wii schedule.

Currently I'm obsessed with Julie Powell and her Julie/Julia Project blog. It's given me a "yet again" renewed desire for all things food and what not. I'm going to have to figure out something to cook for this weekend, I want something "Frenchy".  Chow-dah! Chowder! Chowdah! Chowder!

Renewed Vigor Mortis

So yet again.. my paranoia is unfounded... for the moment...
and I find myself in a better mood.. somewhat...
However.. I find myself in a bit of a pickle... oohh pickles..

Where to start.. what to use as "inspiration"...
I'm a basket case.. I'm manic and bi polar and freaking outta my mind a good portion of the time..

there is a eternal raging storm that takes place in my mind... well maybe not raging..
and perhaps not eternal.. let's just say I have a 24/7 hurricane season inside my mind..
I have months of calm clear weather and then wham!!! a cat 5 Katrina comes slamming in.. well maybe not a cat 5 per se.. I have not had one of those in a while but I do get fairly worked up and fairly belligerent....

So what the "bipolar" moment... well.. so i'd been paranoid about my job.. shittin egg rolls so to speak,,, and desperately seeking for new employment.. to which.. I don't think is going to happen.. at least anytime soon...

too which my paranoid "embolism" has now passed and I feel a bit more secure in my job.. more so than yesterday or last Friday...

I've made numerous attempts to "relax".. to mellow.. to "maintain"... (shit stain)...

However I find myself.. YET AGAIN!! drawn to the world of food..

and in fact reading the Julie/Julia Project

I've seen the movie.. why... because I love food.. I love cooking... I love that how one things can single handily make me feel enormous elation or tremendous let down... it sustains me.. it makes me feel good when a hastily thought out recipe turn out... surprisingly good... I'm amazed at how clever Julie is.. sooo much more than Amy Adams....
I've enamored with her quick wit and especially with her obvious topic of choice... food.

This has given me some renewed "perspective" (which is a take from Ratatouille - I'd like some fresh perspective)

Any who.... I've gotten a renewed determination on food.. however.. to do something new... something different.... something inspired from those before me.. perhaps a video blog..It'll be easier to put my thoughts down on "tape" perhaps.. lets see how it works....

Rain rain go away.. ok nevermind.. you can stay..

So for background noise at work I listen to last.fm, basically you type in a artist and it plays them and other artists similar to them...

I was just listening to Slayer - Angel of Death (not to be confused by Agony Column and their song called Angel of Death... which sucks by the way... aahh the GWAR show in Pedro!) and while listening to it I realized there is a riff in there that is also the main riff for Godlike by KMFDM...

interesting...

Geekazoid!

Just maybe perhaps this alone says what a geek I am... so I'm listening to last.fm... a John Williams channel I selected.. so it's playing movie soundtracks... and what should come on.. a song from Conan the Barbarian... now this is not my favorite movie.. but i would have to say I REALLY like this movie a lot... a whole lot.. perhaps it's my FAVORITE fantasy action movie of all time! Yes LOTR is good and it's a great series.. but for pure fantasy action.. Conan is my favorite... It stirs up geek testosterone of a unprecedented level... in fact I loved when I "used" to game (a long time ago in a city far far away...) and we would play this.. now it screams ADVENTURE to me.. adventure awaits.. you only have to open the door and go forth!! Yes that is geek beyond geek on that perhaps.. however it is now somewhat more or less a adventure on the aspect of debauchery on some scale.. a weekend of FUN... a night of sin.. something worthwhile.. ohh this vanilla existence that I lament.. just kidding.. that was a bit.. depressing.. (fuck you if you thought emo..  god i hate those fags! We were cutting ourselves way before it was "fashionable"!!!) But anyway.. I find the soundtrack to be playful.. it get me excited in a overly obnoxious way.. much to the lament of other.. now that worked on that one.. really I guess my obnoxiousness "disturbs" aka annoys, others... I don't understand... I want to go have a romp roaring good time.. fuck you if you think i'm loud and annoying..

As i keep listening to these different soundtracks.. I'm reminded how much I like them..

Str8 A's

So I've lost a little over 2 lbs this week so far... and I was thinking if I should blog about the weight loss scenario or not, however it did get me thinking about goals... and I'm not sure I mentioned this before or not..but it was a few weeks back and I had a remembered revelation so to speak.. one of those moments that you look back on your life and go... really I did that??.. and I realized that i use to actually be goal driven.. I would set goals and generally I would achieve them it was kinda of surprising.. namely when I got straight A's... once... it was relatively easy know that I think about it.. I just did what I needed to do..I didn't screw around in class and paid attention..and lo an behold I got straight A's.. but as I look back there was also the realization later on that I could still screw up and get good grades.. I managed a 3.5 honor roll and got high all the time.. I guess now that I'm older I'm sorta looking back on things and kinda of going I want my solitude..or at least my solitude and accomplishments... not that accomplishments mean shit... I'm trying to resolve to not being apathetic about myself "so much"...  I have a general apathy towards 99% of most everything... I'm not going to delude myself with lofty ideological goals and what not.. fuck that.. fuck politics.. fuck god.. fuck the new world order.. fuck governments.. fuck those who are trying to control me.. whether it's corporations or red china (just though i'd throw that in there.. it's a joke by the way)...

I'm taking a agnostic hedonistic approach to life from now on... I may expand on this.. some more.. but feel free to ask me questions if you like..

I have some fucking goals for my life.. and I'm feeling pretty fucking optimistic about myself.... for once.. in a LONG LONG LONG ass time... I'm not going use my life as an excuse anymore or my circumstances... and honestly I JUSt DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE...

Previosuly it was I don't give a fuck because everything is going to end.. a nihilistic approach towards life.. now I'm wanting to be a bit more focused and do some shit instead of sitting back and bitching about it... Damn my legs hurt... and I've strated to progress a bit on the Wii Fit program... I figure it'll take a me a month to get ramped up a bit.. but the 2 lbs is promising.. albeit small.. it's promising.. and I did it in 2 days... so we'll see... plus I have another movie idea...

Wii Fat.. I mean Fit..

So I started the Wii Fit yesterday, though I've been basically on a diet and exercise for over a week now. Crap I haven't had a beer in a week.. damn there's a lot of calories in a beer!  So basically I have a goal of Summertime June... to get "presentable".. Now Ideally this would be my 150-160 weight and tone...so this is about 25 weeks.. I believe summer starts on the 22nd...now if I give myself till the end of June I'll have another week and a half.... Looks like I have a number of deadlines in June...

Sooo... basically I'm doing the following so far... 1200 calorie intake a day.. and a 30/300 ride in the morning. It's a minimum 300 calories within 30 minutes...  I also have a home gym I'm going to pick up at Walmart ... I've been looking at it for a few months now and a trip to Walmart the other revealed a HUGH price drop so now is the time to buy.. It was listed at 277.. in-store has it for 150.. so that's a major price drop.. I'm slightly scared that it won't be there when I go to get it! This is during the work week, weekends I'm not paying too much attention to what I eat, but still observing. Plus I have a weightlifting plan for 3 days a week that I need to plan accordingly...

Well it looks like it'll be a busy year.. lots of activities and hopefully attending many events... need to draw up a game plan... perhaps tonight....

I need 48 hours in a day....

So.. this is the year for me.. for personal growth.. has hokey as I think that phrase is.. I'm reminded of George Carlin's diatribe on word play and crap like that..  I've spent a number of years focused on myself in the sense of being apathetic about.. me..

I've gotten lazy and fat and made excuses.. I've given up any form of creative outlet... I've allowed my circumstances to dictate events and crap like that...

Last year I started coming up with some plans... objectives... goals...
They all are geared towards pulling my head outta my ass so to speak....

I have a handful of goals......
Lose weight.. bulk up a bit.. I've been talking about wanting to do this for years... though to no result.. I have a goal of the start of summer to get back down to about 135-140 weight though bulk up to about 150-155 maybe 160..

I have some writing projects in the works.. one that is prominent and one sorta on the back burner.. though I need to complete at least one...

there is another.. though i find me fighting with myself on it.. I'm have wishful thinking about something... and it's sorta making me lose some focus.. on this one thing... and it has to do with work and continuing my job skills...



On top of that.. I have some entertainment lans for the year... various holidays... and other social events to plan out... crap.. I never had to concern myself with this crap previously!!!

For example... I have about 3 birthdays occuring in the next month or so.. relatives coming to town... and things I'd like to go do.. namely outdoor activities.. hiking.. paintball.. etc...

For instance the twins bday is around the corner.. i suggested a trip to Little Tokyo.. and that is relatively cheap.. though just thought of taking them paint balling.. then my bro will be here in a week or so.. T's b day.. my dad will be here in March.. then Spam's b-day.. then there is the Ren Faire and the Scottish Games and 4th of July.. then my bday.. then Halloween.. Turkey day and back to Xmas.. just to start the freaking year all over again... planning..planning.. planning.. sigh...

not too mention the crap that needs to be taken care of around the house.. at least 10k worth in projects need to get done... namely the front yeard and the back yard... landscaping.. dog run.. chicken run/coop... soooo many damn things this year to do... wow.. I think this is the first time I've looked at the year as a event..or a project.. usually i don't care and just wake up go to work come up .. rinse repeat...

Life death and making a profit

Train Wreck ----
Human tragedy... for some reason this seems to grab the attention of most people... just watch those videos on Live Leak of people getting run over or some other accident.. or even go to www.rotten.com...

Now if i was in my teens I'd probably be a typical teen who would laugh at pretty much any personal tragedy of those I did not now.. though I'm not a teenager anymore... and having just listened to the Britney Murphy 911 tape.. it saddens me..and makes be remember a friend who died years ago...  There are times that I find myself more emotional than others..and on the verge of bursting into tears over situations.. now this has got me wondering about a number of things.. namely I know recently I have made large attempts to become calloused towards things.. events and things in life in general...though part of me doesn't want to do this.. I don't know.. it's a weird scenario at the moment.. I clicked on the 911 tape (go to youtube) link not really knowing what to expect.. part of it was the "train wreck" mentality.. what is it about.. but i found myself (and at this moment) getting emotional over what I heard.... sigh...  I'm sure I've been down this road before.. and I'm sure it won't be the last.. I don't really know what I'm trying to say.. maybe it's a combination of things.. maybe it's that I was surprised by what I heard and not expecting that end result... I'm saddened at the family's loss of B Murphy... She did entertain me in the few movies I did see of hers.. was she a great actress?.. not in my opinion...Maybe it's a combination of the sorrow and tragedy of the event that reminds me of my mortality.. reminds me of friends lost.. reminds me of how cruel this world really is.. family especially.. I don't know.. we look to things that help us deal with pain.. and I'm not just talking about drugs and or alcohol.. people can find other things that make their lives destructive.... work.. relationships... etc...

People are jacked up... point blank... there is no hope for them... and they cannot save themselves......

I'm not depressed about this.. damn in fact i don't think I've been depressed in a while.. which for me is a pleasant surprise...I'm using this as a means to write about me.. me for who I am.. while I'm not completely out of my "shell" so to speak.. I'm working towards that.. I have goals.. I have a goal for this year.. by Summer time.. and in fact i have a few goals by Summer time... part of it is being creative.. part of it is being less apathetic towards myself... which up until recently I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about... I'll go into detail about that.. later.. I'm feeling rather "optimistic"... which if you know me... is never part of who I am...