On na mon a pee a

So weird is what weird does...

I've more or less got my "movie" figured out.. the final part are done (in my head) I just need to put them down on 'paper' and then flesh out the dialog for the script..


I'm sort of excited.. I'd have to say this is the most I've been creative in forever and a day... I have a short story I'm writing... which is on another blog (I think it is.... Mismatched Greymatter?)

So now where to... hmm.. I've been slacking a bit so to speak... on a number of things.. the physical activity namely.. I really have pushed that one off... hmm... well.. I need to kick myself back into gear and get that done... each day wasted... ugh...

what else.. I think I'm going to stick with some short stories for the time being... actually I want to do a fairy tale.. a fable or sorts.. but I'm a bit distracted.. fog headed at the moment... I like that term.. fog headed... it's where you get an idea about something but it's not concrete as to what it is.. like your in a fog and you see something but aren't quite sure what it is...

I am a bit disappointed that I'm not getting Kogi on Friday... I am having a repeat... going back to 5 Guys... it's a burger place in Carson... I'm still trying to decide if I like them.. I guess I do.. why am i being so freakin indecisive...

Plus I get Indian/Sri Lankan food Friday night...

hmm... Where to now... I guess I'm in a limbo sense of where to now... maybe that's what's buggin me...  Now not wanting to go done the path of self deprecation as I'm so found of doing.. I've noticed that as the years go by my "anxiety/depression" has changed... it's evolved in a different kind of monster from say 5/10/15 years ago...

Like I was saying I want to write an American fairy tale more or less... plus there is that damn Fable I need to locate... ugh driving me crazy!!

No Tech and 10%

So of the many fanciful ideas that wander into my head...  the reoccurring one has been if I were a rich man.... I would start my own social experiment... though I would need to find a state that I could do this in.. anyway I was thinking about taxes... while currently taxes suck for most anyone.. seriously if you think about it... we get taxed waaay too much and it really is not needed. She the government provide for infrastructure yes.. should we be taxed on every single breathing dollar.. yes... however this is where I'm still formulating the ideas on a "almost" perfect society... Personally I can see the benefits of capitalism.. however I find it very detrimental to society as a whole... this is based on the idea that money has a tendency to corrupt and the power that goes along with it... There are benefits... though in today's day and age I'm pretty much put off by them.. to an extent.. though for me this poses the question is that because of my limited financial means?? I'm sure there is some true there...
I gues the idea is that I simply want to live.. I don't want to live in a state of fear...  hhmm.. perhaps it's something that has already been thought of already.. again I'm probably treading no new ground.. though for me it is.. for my thought process... I'm sure I've been here before.. but for the moment it's new to me...  It's not that I haven't thought about the horrible state the country is in.. let alone the state I live in... watching movies with a historical perspective doesn't help.. despite the strenuous nature of life in the late 1800's early 1900's... This seems like a golden age of America... Now I'm under no pretense that people more any more virtuous then vs today. It just seems that the grey line of right and wrong was not as wide as it is today. Then again it could be once again that scenario of he who has the gold makes the rules...

I guess that's what bothers me... Why do we accept this form of servitude towards others... I just want to live.. I don't mind work that's worth while or what can be explained honestly as a means to better everyone.. but this subservient existence that we subject ourselves to other men... Why do the masses accept the status quo? Regrettably because we have become addicted to mediocrity and service to the few crumbs allotted to us.
hhmm I feel conflicted as I think about this... On some aspects I want to resign off on.. this would be my apathy... why "what's the f-ing point of it" feeling about life in general.

I wrestle with many things... apparently it's this at the moment..  and it always ends in the answer of.. you have no ability to change anything... as you have no means to change things.. I think part of this is because I look back on my past and it frightens me...  oooohhhhh soo many skeletons...

I would say currently I'm contemplative... I'm just thinking.. not happy.. not sad... just kind of whatever.. I see things as getting worse... and I do believe things are going to get worse in the next few years... I guess that's what's naggin at the back of my head for the moment... I'm being forced to in a sense... at least I feel like I'm being forced into a corner... I want to do things a certain way... though get the impression it will not happen.. to which I already have given an answer.... an answer that has not changed...  I know I'm beating my head against the wall... but again.. it's what I want... why can't I get what I want... knowing the consequences...