Haunted...
I am hopeless..
time and again.. it's her.. wow.. talk about a flood of feelings... I'm flabbergasted beyond belief...
Have I been lying to myself.. is this also what the quote/unquote poets of the age struggled with.. that one.. that one that steals their heart and forever hides it away.. or is it a product of my own imgaination...
Over the years I have come to distrust my thoughts and feelings... even when dwelling on the thoughts of yesterday.. the thoughts that drive me to repeat or seek some sort of relived glory days..
Tomorrow is "her" birthday..
It was so long ago.. and who am I in love with but a memory of days past.. a memory of my younger days.. a memory that haunts me to this day..
I sit her and think.. and it really is painful.. and again.. I wonder.... just how much of it is self induced...
ugh.. so many conflicts.. conflicts with in my mind.. conflicts of right and wrong. and life eternal..
my anger is the only str that I have and it is nothing..
My obsession with the psyche.. the mind and just understanding that I really am no less screwed up than anyone else... well there are those who probably better well adjusted than myself.....
Wow do i feel bi polar.. and in some ways.. it's exhilerating.. as twisted as that may sound..
I guess it's the feeling of being in a good mood at one moment.. then by the mere gaze of a picture of a girl from years.. now perhaps that's a mistatem,ent.. a mere gaze.. a mere girl..
she was my first love (now this is something that I need to wrestle with.. this is what gets me all fucked up inside.. as there were 2.. is it that she holds more.. is she..the better option..... or is that I truely am in love with 2 girls.. both of them drive me insane...
but I digress.. the bipolar state that I found myself in.. to see her face again.. that gaze upon her face.. those eyes... her hair.. her skin.. to feel them in my arms again.. that burning desire.. the lustful thoughts yet again come flooding in my mind. the memories of nights spent in bed with her.... the hopes.. the youth desires.. the youthful folly in it all.. the sadness that came of it.. the betrayal..and the redemption..
I kick myself for what I do.. and waht i don't do... I wait patiently... patiently for things to come to pass.. but yet I still rabbit trail off what I wanted to go into.. my biplar feelings.
Confusion.. that is the best way to describe this state.. I'm in a good mood this morning.. I was pretty much distracted with the day to day doldrum of monotony... but she pops in my head.. her birthday is tomorrow.. look her up.. send her a happy birthday note....
Wow I'm so distracted with the CUNT from work that I can't even think about anything else at the moment... holy fucking shit...
seriously.. she is a cunty cunt cunt cunt.. i'm so fucking beside myselfy seething with anger....
What a fucking shit hole fucked up place this is!!
..
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