opt

Being stuck here on old people time is killing me...

Feeling stressed the fuck out atm... Can feel it in my shoulders.. anxiety building.. bored as fuck..

Melancholy as hell and nothing working to push me towards something worth a shit... I want to exercise but in my prescribed manner...

Feeling like knowledge/awareness is exacerbating the situation...

Still not wanting to live.. despite my forthcoming in discussion about these things... Really see no point ...

Joblessness having it's toll..

epiphany

Why am I strongly attracted to trans women??

Is this a true feeling or an in the moment feeling. While I have been dwelling in these thoughts for a bit, processing, revisiting, etc. I have noticed that I am continuously drawn towards trans women, though a part of me thinks that such an event such as a relationship would not be possible mainly in the fact that I have a tendency to "look down the road", what does the older stages of one who has transitioned look like and in my own admitted ignorance has drawn conclusions that such a relationship is not for me. 

simplicity

Society is run on idiocy... Reading a reddit thread about workplace fuck up in light of the crowd strike fiasco... After going through a few it seems that simplicity & ambiguity are favored vs explanations/ discussions and clear understanding of expectations.

boredom

My brain is apparently in overdrive today... Absentmindedly put the banana in the pot with the oatmeal vs the bowl... Almost sent me over...

Can't properly think this morning.. it like it's firing on 1 cylinder.. vs the 1.2

Now I can't find a damn thing to dopa-focus on... Internet is boring as fuck... Nothing to watch.. can't focus on reading.. 

Me achin' head...

romantic idealist

I noticed my watching of films that have an underdog archetype I tend to latch on to strongly... This audhd justice inclination...

derailed

I really hate the modern internet.. yeah pop ups from the early days were annoying but there were blockers you could get for that.. nowadays they are nigh impossible to avoid sans some script extension that specifically calls elements to block... 

This negativity in me or ability to constantly be annoyed at most things is rather irksome.. audhd?

fascist utopia

Laying in a bed in north Central Florida, with air conditioning and a cooling fan. Not unaware of this moment being unlike for billions of others. Not unaware of my insignificance and my own failings and humanity. Doom scrolling thru social apps and corporate owned news pushing the capitalist narratives. Laying here in bed in the midst of the US presidential bullshit cycle, thinking on the things of what would require a utopian society, realizing it would take fascism to bring about. It would require the dismantling of a mindset opposite to that ideal, by extreme means. The removal of a social cancer requires extreme measures... But our reality is convoluted and dystopian. 

A society that in all honesty I really do not want to be a part... I keep fighting my feelings on this and I question why I fight... What am I fighting for? I've yet to hear an argument worth a shit, and I'm also aware that it could very well be my brain chemistry giving me fucked up info.. but why is that? Is it that fucked up or do I see clearly? Yet also questioning that reasoning as well? 

Am I seeing clearly or am I bullshitting myself?

Is the drive for survival an illusion? I get that my absence would affect a number of others, and part of me is concerned about that, though this overriding drive to not want to be dogs me constantly. This I don't see reality the same as others, so why am I bound by others interpretations?