Busy with my other woman

So I've been a bit busy... not in that sense.. busy with reading the J/J blog and then i just started another blog as well.. fuck I think I have like 8 blogs going on at the moment... most are project blogs, that is writing stories and stuff nothing quite visible just yet...

though if your interested in food check out my new blog..

http://gastropalooza.blogspot.com

I have sorta neglected my stories lately.. I've been obsessed with Julie Powell. Though I think this is a good thing... I'm becoming renewed in my food obsession again.. not that it's an obsession.. perhaps "passion" is a better word...

who am I kidding... even my wife knows it's an obsession.

So.. as with all things.. plans and other shit changes.. not always according to what we would like... I'm just sort of figuring this out.. and I'm not going to fret over it and just scrap it like I used to do.. if I'm done when i want it good.. if not.. screw it.. I'll come back to it later...

Business men they drink my wine, Come and take my herb.

Yes I know that's not the lyrics.. but anyway It's relates to one things..

Herbs... and not the 420 kind I'm talking about the culinary need (not that the other can't be used for culinary purposes)...

So I've been hooked on Julie Powell' blog.. It's funny and witty.. which I'm not.. so 2 thumbs up on that..

And seeing as I need to be focused on one thing but actually am focused on 5000 things... (writing, adding to my job skills, slacking, cooking, amateur foodie, other artistic venues, losing weight, mida por nuevo trabajo, etc...)

The Julie/Julia blog has me fixated back on food and cooking.. so now I'm thinking back about my garden... to which i need to expand my herb garden... I have thyme, oregano, sage, rosemary, and mint.. so I need to expand... with that in mind... there is a vendor that I know at the Torrance Farmer's Market on Tuesday's.. he has small potted seedlings for a dollar a pop.. great bargain and better pricing than HD or Lowes or anywhere else that I now...

Just hope he is still there...

iron apple sky

Melancholic...

I'm have a bout of depression.. but for what.. Do i burn myself out to much.. do i set my expectations.. too high... or am I just repeating the smae things over again and again... my behavoir is predictable... that I don't refute..

I'm lazy... and I have no problem detailing my short comings... I don't not view myslef as anyone of worth and the levels of my self deprecation are unending.. should I wish...

I wait... that about all that I do these days...

I had a day doing the thing that I like to do.. however I found myself unsatisfied at the end of the day... or what.. It's late and my bedtime... I have not written anything for some days.. I'm at a turning point.. well maybe not a turning point.. but a moment that I need to develop additional characters.. the villians.. and I have some ideas.. but just have not fel tlike writing.. I'm preoccupied with what I see as crap... and that is my life...

I've allowed it to become a stumbling block again.. and on top of other things.. I'm miserable at my job.. and beginning to dread Sunday's... granted I sit around and pick my ass 99% of the time... honestly.. part of me likes not doing anything.. conversely.. I hate it.. I hate working.. I working the douche bag's that I work for and a handful of who I work with...

I have moments that I fight with myself.. I presently find life pointless and worthless.. but tis is normal.. it's just a bit more crappy... ehn.. whatever... it's all the same shit... just another fucking day...

C U Next Tuesday & Being Bipolar because of girls..

Haunted...
I am hopeless..
time and again.. it's her.. wow.. talk about a flood of feelings... I'm flabbergasted beyond belief...
Have I been lying to myself.. is this also what the quote/unquote poets of the age struggled with.. that one.. that one that steals their heart and forever hides it away.. or is it a product of my own imgaination...

Over the years I have come to distrust my thoughts and feelings... even when dwelling on the thoughts of yesterday.. the thoughts that drive me to repeat or seek some sort of relived glory days..
Tomorrow is "her" birthday..

It was so long ago.. and who am I in love with but a memory of days past.. a memory of my younger days.. a memory that haunts me to this day..

I sit her and think.. and it really is painful..  and again.. I wonder.... just how much of it is self induced...
ugh.. so many conflicts.. conflicts with in my mind.. conflicts of right and wrong. and life eternal..
my anger is the only str that I have and it is nothing..

My obsession with the psyche.. the mind and just understanding that I really am no less screwed up than anyone else... well there are those who probably better well adjusted than myself.....

Wow do i feel bi polar.. and in some ways.. it's exhilerating.. as twisted as that may sound..

I guess it's the feeling of being in a good mood at one moment.. then by the mere gaze of a picture of a girl from years.. now perhaps that's a mistatem,ent.. a mere gaze.. a mere girl..
she was my first love (now this is something that I need to wrestle with.. this is what gets me all fucked up inside.. as there were 2.. is it that she holds more.. is she..the better option..... or is that I truely am in love with 2 girls.. both of them drive me insane...

but I digress.. the bipolar state that I found myself in.. to see her face again.. that gaze upon her face.. those eyes... her hair.. her skin.. to feel them in my arms again.. that burning desire.. the lustful thoughts yet again come flooding in my mind. the memories of nights spent in bed with her.... the hopes.. the youth desires.. the youthful folly in it all.. the sadness that came of it.. the betrayal..and the redemption..

I kick myself for what I do.. and waht i don't do... I wait patiently... patiently for things to come to pass.. but yet I still rabbit trail off what I wanted to go into.. my biplar feelings.
Confusion.. that is the best way to describe this state.. I'm in a good mood this morning.. I was pretty much distracted with the day to day doldrum of monotony... but she pops in my head.. her birthday is tomorrow.. look her up.. send her a happy birthday note....

Wow I'm so distracted with the CUNT from work that I can't even think about anything else at the moment... holy fucking shit...

seriously.. she is a cunty cunt cunt cunt.. i'm so fucking beside myselfy seething with anger....

What a fucking shit hole fucked up place this is!!


..

Yeah we're gonna need you to come in on Sunday..

So i was supposed to have phone interview at 11.. only I never got the call.

And I'm impatient and called the recruiter at 11:04 going WASSSUP??!?!

Only to get the yeah so we're gonna have to reschedule... however I could distinctly hear a less than enthusiastic person on the other line.. what's wrong you were like a stripper on a FOB sailor with a pocket full of cash and no clue where he's at when you were talking to me the other day...

I did however get some strange feeling when I left this morning from seeing them like I just bought a 2 legged camel...

anyway.. what happens.. happens.. just a bit annoyed and stressed...

Yippy skippy

So as a pat on own back... I've lost over 10 lbs since the 2nd week of Jan., which means I'm on track to loose the weight I want to before Summer time.

Just need that home gym I've been eying.

So low and behold.. all I needed to do was ride a bike a bit and watch how much I eat. Though I would say I get a bit neurotic about it from time to time... weekend before I felt guilty for what I thought was gorging myself. I just need to get back on my wii schedule.

Currently I'm obsessed with Julie Powell and her Julie/Julia Project blog. It's given me a "yet again" renewed desire for all things food and what not. I'm going to have to figure out something to cook for this weekend, I want something "Frenchy".  Chow-dah! Chowder! Chowdah! Chowder!

Renewed Vigor Mortis

So yet again.. my paranoia is unfounded... for the moment...
and I find myself in a better mood.. somewhat...
However.. I find myself in a bit of a pickle... oohh pickles..

Where to start.. what to use as "inspiration"...
I'm a basket case.. I'm manic and bi polar and freaking outta my mind a good portion of the time..

there is a eternal raging storm that takes place in my mind... well maybe not raging..
and perhaps not eternal.. let's just say I have a 24/7 hurricane season inside my mind..
I have months of calm clear weather and then wham!!! a cat 5 Katrina comes slamming in.. well maybe not a cat 5 per se.. I have not had one of those in a while but I do get fairly worked up and fairly belligerent....

So what the "bipolar" moment... well.. so i'd been paranoid about my job.. shittin egg rolls so to speak,,, and desperately seeking for new employment.. to which.. I don't think is going to happen.. at least anytime soon...

too which my paranoid "embolism" has now passed and I feel a bit more secure in my job.. more so than yesterday or last Friday...

I've made numerous attempts to "relax".. to mellow.. to "maintain"... (shit stain)...

However I find myself.. YET AGAIN!! drawn to the world of food..

and in fact reading the Julie/Julia Project

I've seen the movie.. why... because I love food.. I love cooking... I love that how one things can single handily make me feel enormous elation or tremendous let down... it sustains me.. it makes me feel good when a hastily thought out recipe turn out... surprisingly good... I'm amazed at how clever Julie is.. sooo much more than Amy Adams....
I've enamored with her quick wit and especially with her obvious topic of choice... food.

This has given me some renewed "perspective" (which is a take from Ratatouille - I'd like some fresh perspective)

Any who.... I've gotten a renewed determination on food.. however.. to do something new... something different.... something inspired from those before me.. perhaps a video blog..It'll be easier to put my thoughts down on "tape" perhaps.. lets see how it works....