Rain rain go away.. ok nevermind.. you can stay..

So for background noise at work I listen to last.fm, basically you type in a artist and it plays them and other artists similar to them...

I was just listening to Slayer - Angel of Death (not to be confused by Agony Column and their song called Angel of Death... which sucks by the way... aahh the GWAR show in Pedro!) and while listening to it I realized there is a riff in there that is also the main riff for Godlike by KMFDM...

interesting...

Geekazoid!

Just maybe perhaps this alone says what a geek I am... so I'm listening to last.fm... a John Williams channel I selected.. so it's playing movie soundtracks... and what should come on.. a song from Conan the Barbarian... now this is not my favorite movie.. but i would have to say I REALLY like this movie a lot... a whole lot.. perhaps it's my FAVORITE fantasy action movie of all time! Yes LOTR is good and it's a great series.. but for pure fantasy action.. Conan is my favorite... It stirs up geek testosterone of a unprecedented level... in fact I loved when I "used" to game (a long time ago in a city far far away...) and we would play this.. now it screams ADVENTURE to me.. adventure awaits.. you only have to open the door and go forth!! Yes that is geek beyond geek on that perhaps.. however it is now somewhat more or less a adventure on the aspect of debauchery on some scale.. a weekend of FUN... a night of sin.. something worthwhile.. ohh this vanilla existence that I lament.. just kidding.. that was a bit.. depressing.. (fuck you if you thought emo..  god i hate those fags! We were cutting ourselves way before it was "fashionable"!!!) But anyway.. I find the soundtrack to be playful.. it get me excited in a overly obnoxious way.. much to the lament of other.. now that worked on that one.. really I guess my obnoxiousness "disturbs" aka annoys, others... I don't understand... I want to go have a romp roaring good time.. fuck you if you think i'm loud and annoying..

As i keep listening to these different soundtracks.. I'm reminded how much I like them..

Str8 A's

So I've lost a little over 2 lbs this week so far... and I was thinking if I should blog about the weight loss scenario or not, however it did get me thinking about goals... and I'm not sure I mentioned this before or not..but it was a few weeks back and I had a remembered revelation so to speak.. one of those moments that you look back on your life and go... really I did that??.. and I realized that i use to actually be goal driven.. I would set goals and generally I would achieve them it was kinda of surprising.. namely when I got straight A's... once... it was relatively easy know that I think about it.. I just did what I needed to do..I didn't screw around in class and paid attention..and lo an behold I got straight A's.. but as I look back there was also the realization later on that I could still screw up and get good grades.. I managed a 3.5 honor roll and got high all the time.. I guess now that I'm older I'm sorta looking back on things and kinda of going I want my solitude..or at least my solitude and accomplishments... not that accomplishments mean shit... I'm trying to resolve to not being apathetic about myself "so much"...  I have a general apathy towards 99% of most everything... I'm not going to delude myself with lofty ideological goals and what not.. fuck that.. fuck politics.. fuck god.. fuck the new world order.. fuck governments.. fuck those who are trying to control me.. whether it's corporations or red china (just though i'd throw that in there.. it's a joke by the way)...

I'm taking a agnostic hedonistic approach to life from now on... I may expand on this.. some more.. but feel free to ask me questions if you like..

I have some fucking goals for my life.. and I'm feeling pretty fucking optimistic about myself.... for once.. in a LONG LONG LONG ass time... I'm not going use my life as an excuse anymore or my circumstances... and honestly I JUSt DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE...

Previosuly it was I don't give a fuck because everything is going to end.. a nihilistic approach towards life.. now I'm wanting to be a bit more focused and do some shit instead of sitting back and bitching about it... Damn my legs hurt... and I've strated to progress a bit on the Wii Fit program... I figure it'll take a me a month to get ramped up a bit.. but the 2 lbs is promising.. albeit small.. it's promising.. and I did it in 2 days... so we'll see... plus I have another movie idea...

Wii Fat.. I mean Fit..

So I started the Wii Fit yesterday, though I've been basically on a diet and exercise for over a week now. Crap I haven't had a beer in a week.. damn there's a lot of calories in a beer!  So basically I have a goal of Summertime June... to get "presentable".. Now Ideally this would be my 150-160 weight and tone...so this is about 25 weeks.. I believe summer starts on the 22nd...now if I give myself till the end of June I'll have another week and a half.... Looks like I have a number of deadlines in June...

Sooo... basically I'm doing the following so far... 1200 calorie intake a day.. and a 30/300 ride in the morning. It's a minimum 300 calories within 30 minutes...  I also have a home gym I'm going to pick up at Walmart ... I've been looking at it for a few months now and a trip to Walmart the other revealed a HUGH price drop so now is the time to buy.. It was listed at 277.. in-store has it for 150.. so that's a major price drop.. I'm slightly scared that it won't be there when I go to get it! This is during the work week, weekends I'm not paying too much attention to what I eat, but still observing. Plus I have a weightlifting plan for 3 days a week that I need to plan accordingly...

Well it looks like it'll be a busy year.. lots of activities and hopefully attending many events... need to draw up a game plan... perhaps tonight....

I need 48 hours in a day....

So.. this is the year for me.. for personal growth.. has hokey as I think that phrase is.. I'm reminded of George Carlin's diatribe on word play and crap like that..  I've spent a number of years focused on myself in the sense of being apathetic about.. me..

I've gotten lazy and fat and made excuses.. I've given up any form of creative outlet... I've allowed my circumstances to dictate events and crap like that...

Last year I started coming up with some plans... objectives... goals...
They all are geared towards pulling my head outta my ass so to speak....

I have a handful of goals......
Lose weight.. bulk up a bit.. I've been talking about wanting to do this for years... though to no result.. I have a goal of the start of summer to get back down to about 135-140 weight though bulk up to about 150-155 maybe 160..

I have some writing projects in the works.. one that is prominent and one sorta on the back burner.. though I need to complete at least one...

there is another.. though i find me fighting with myself on it.. I'm have wishful thinking about something... and it's sorta making me lose some focus.. on this one thing... and it has to do with work and continuing my job skills...



On top of that.. I have some entertainment lans for the year... various holidays... and other social events to plan out... crap.. I never had to concern myself with this crap previously!!!

For example... I have about 3 birthdays occuring in the next month or so.. relatives coming to town... and things I'd like to go do.. namely outdoor activities.. hiking.. paintball.. etc...

For instance the twins bday is around the corner.. i suggested a trip to Little Tokyo.. and that is relatively cheap.. though just thought of taking them paint balling.. then my bro will be here in a week or so.. T's b day.. my dad will be here in March.. then Spam's b-day.. then there is the Ren Faire and the Scottish Games and 4th of July.. then my bday.. then Halloween.. Turkey day and back to Xmas.. just to start the freaking year all over again... planning..planning.. planning.. sigh...

not too mention the crap that needs to be taken care of around the house.. at least 10k worth in projects need to get done... namely the front yeard and the back yard... landscaping.. dog run.. chicken run/coop... soooo many damn things this year to do... wow.. I think this is the first time I've looked at the year as a event..or a project.. usually i don't care and just wake up go to work come up .. rinse repeat...

Life death and making a profit

Train Wreck ----
Human tragedy... for some reason this seems to grab the attention of most people... just watch those videos on Live Leak of people getting run over or some other accident.. or even go to www.rotten.com...

Now if i was in my teens I'd probably be a typical teen who would laugh at pretty much any personal tragedy of those I did not now.. though I'm not a teenager anymore... and having just listened to the Britney Murphy 911 tape.. it saddens me..and makes be remember a friend who died years ago...  There are times that I find myself more emotional than others..and on the verge of bursting into tears over situations.. now this has got me wondering about a number of things.. namely I know recently I have made large attempts to become calloused towards things.. events and things in life in general...though part of me doesn't want to do this.. I don't know.. it's a weird scenario at the moment.. I clicked on the 911 tape (go to youtube) link not really knowing what to expect.. part of it was the "train wreck" mentality.. what is it about.. but i found myself (and at this moment) getting emotional over what I heard.... sigh...  I'm sure I've been down this road before.. and I'm sure it won't be the last.. I don't really know what I'm trying to say.. maybe it's a combination of things.. maybe it's that I was surprised by what I heard and not expecting that end result... I'm saddened at the family's loss of B Murphy... She did entertain me in the few movies I did see of hers.. was she a great actress?.. not in my opinion...Maybe it's a combination of the sorrow and tragedy of the event that reminds me of my mortality.. reminds me of friends lost.. reminds me of how cruel this world really is.. family especially.. I don't know.. we look to things that help us deal with pain.. and I'm not just talking about drugs and or alcohol.. people can find other things that make their lives destructive.... work.. relationships... etc...

People are jacked up... point blank... there is no hope for them... and they cannot save themselves......

I'm not depressed about this.. damn in fact i don't think I've been depressed in a while.. which for me is a pleasant surprise...I'm using this as a means to write about me.. me for who I am.. while I'm not completely out of my "shell" so to speak.. I'm working towards that.. I have goals.. I have a goal for this year.. by Summer time.. and in fact i have a few goals by Summer time... part of it is being creative.. part of it is being less apathetic towards myself... which up until recently I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about... I'll go into detail about that.. later.. I'm feeling rather "optimistic"... which if you know me... is never part of who I am...