tired

Sooo many half finished thoughts...

effective change

Trying to read an article in the my times about how is science being used to change human behavior.. or something along those lines .

A Few of the Ideas About How to Fix Human Behavior Rest on Some Pretty Shaky Science

And then my brain goes on about makes does effective change entail? Or better how are some ways that we can make change more effective.

Introspection

Writing down thoughts

Comparing the the spectrum of thoughts and beliefs and being human... Contrasting those ideas with others...

Understanding the empathy of yourself towards others.

One of the biggest problems I experienced and still do is just seeing things at "face value", part me agrees with but I also don't like that concept or idea that things can be looked at "face value"..( that's probably a me only thing). Sure some things are cut n dry I guess, but the motivations and catalysts that got us there are probably more convoluted. All these illusions to life, things that make us go "oooh and aww" in good times and bad. Every experience has a beginning a middle and an end.. that completes the cycle.. as in life.

conversations

I want to call my family to see how they are doing...

But I hesitate as I know things are already not good and I'd rather not get them to continue to dwell on the not good. 

controversial thoughts

Scrolling through reddit, have been seeing these fear mongering posts about needing to vote for Biden cuz trump is the half spawn of Satan.

A few things cross my mind, one of the first things is "how do I know whether or not is this propaganda?"

(Sitting in Miami Dade and Xmas music is on - I want to take my life at this moment j/k)

The other is, I'm thinking about this farkakte reality that we have. Primarily the forces that drive it aka evolution and what that entails. One of the things about evolution is that it relies on change and sometimes that change is violent. To continue that thread I think that we as a society are going to have to endure some serious violence if we ever think of having a chance at serious change for the better for humanity. Which brings us to a sort of paradox for a good portion of leftist thoughts and beliefs. Primarily that of the non violence/love conquers all crowd.

I recognize my ignorance (and fuck i'm tired from that Peru flight). This is something that has been on my mind for a while now... I want to say that life presents no certainties aside from what others have stated about death n taxes... I question this a bit... Uncertainty abouty thoughts as I have been sitting on this idea that life is an illusion... Based on physics, based on the collective understanding of what science says about the origins of the universe and what it is that we know to date. The philosophical aspects about being a brain in a vat.

Violence is reality... Is it something I advocate, certainly not but never less it is a reality that is a component of reality. Denying the reality of violence is to deny reality. Life is about cycles, and humanity has this uncanny knack for trying to circumvent reality.

That said, I don't see the political environment as something that is legitimate in providing honest answers or solutions. Biden is the lesser of two evils... But thats the rub right? He's still an evil.

If I believe in something outside the current reality, voting for that same reality makes no sense. Do I support capitalism? Do I support the current foreign policies that continue to sow violence and destruction in the name of "security"?

So why would I vote for one who continues those practices? Just bcuz he's not trump?

Biden is an avowed capitalist... Which is something that I see as the number 1 thing that is detrimental to society as a whole.  My life is being dictated by others people's fears and propaganda from an oligarchical positions.

the brokenness of my childhood

The more I search and reflect on my time here on this planet. Searching and reflecting on who I am and how I want to express myself, I realize that there were some key things missing from my life. Mostly love, to be able to love others, to love myself, to be compassionate and empathetic of those around me. Realizing that this is something that should be taught and realizing my inability to teach this to my kids.

To see my humanity in others who may or may not look like me. Knowing full well that we are all related, there are no barriers or boundaries aside from those that have been programmed and which I must deprogram myself through experience and educating. Giving of myself to others, understanding the pain and struggle that we all go through requires one to remove the callous scales that we have over our eyes to see our shared humanity.

There was a quote I saw recently I think from Oscar Wilde about our view are just an amalgamation of the words of others... Which is something I'd been thinking of prior to seeing it.

Trying to find my humanity... To be able to be a better person for others allows me to be a better person for myself. 

keenly aware

Of the cursory knowledge that I have on most things... 

and the fucking spokeshole

Propaganda propaganda propaganda

Israel government and it's propaganda.

Now I'll add this, I also fucking hate the knee jerk responses from the left on a 2 sec video clip.. Western leftists/liberals that are not on the ground and provide bullshit commentary.

The only way that I see there is going to be any change is one of 2 ways... A paradigm shift of Western support for Israel, especially the US.

The other option is violence but I'm conflicted on that idea... I see the reality of violence that is a part of evolution, the struggle to survive.

Is there a solution without violence?

#FreePalestine

fuck I hate corporate media

My moment is split with enjoying this awesome afternoon pisco sour and taquenos with the distraction of CNN and the current events in the Middle East.

Again the focused perspective of financial interests and maintaining the status quo of the propagandized narrative of who are victims and who are monsters.

thoughts of the moment

Swirling eddys of thought pass by..

Thinking of not now's but could be's...

Of what my emotional desires of the moment gasp at... Pant for and fantasize after..

Thinking that this is not the present but a construct I shouldn't even endeavor in at the moment... Wasted energy or a needed exercise of being mindful. How I rationalize my feelings with realities... But today's reality is not tomorrow's.  So I see the stream of consciousness becomes still again..

sketch

Green building is a restaurant... Where you go to do sketchy drug deals.

questions

My questions are what do those guides mean?

How does one determine the definition and qualifications for these. 

I ask this only in the nature of what reality presents us. How often are we presented with something only to discover the illusion to it's meaning later. I believe in my humanity but I question it constantly. I question the ideals that we humans place on this reality that we share, as life is not what it seems. True we subjugate ourselves in cruel manners and fashions and have done so since our existence. The struggle for life and the ideals that humans have don't always jive with the realities of evolution. How do we reconcile? Can we or is this another illusion in the mind of humanity trying to control what can't be?

How does one reconcile human nature with human ideals? Because nature is inherent, ideals are learned/taught and even then there's something about some people being able to not see the same way in regards to compassion, humanity, empathy, morality, etc.

Also fuck religion...

age and anxiety

This trip has been great .. aside from the occasional anxiety induced moments. 

Randomly thinking I'd rather be at home or how much longer I have to be here.

Also while thinking I like being here and wanting to see more of it. 

Not sure the extracurricular party favors was a good idea... Feeling exhausted. Knowing that as soon as I get home, I'll be gone for 2 weeks... Thinking I need a break, but that's not gonna happen.

Routines are a pain in the ass, familiarity of location, habits, the safe secure bullshit that we program ourselves for. Then you want to experience the world and when you do you just want to go back home...

Introspection is nice and all but what is the reliability in it to glean relative and valid information. Not too mention how does one regulate their anxiety in those scenarios. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, CBT???

Which reminds me of P and her issues with travel... 

Hungry right now but fucking exhausted at the same time...

My youth wasn't aware of itself as I am now...

I should be napping

Trying to sleep but the brain and coffee say otherwise..

Enjoying my time here in Peru. Tripping on the idea of my blending in and not seeming like a tourista, but still feel like one.

Then again I think the camera phone gives it away.

out of the country

I'm always amazed at my ignorance levels, though I shouldn't be.

The level of excitement and anxiety I'm experiencing at this moment... It's not what I'm used to. Usually I'm super stoked to be ooc..

And I am... But also I think my lacking in language skills is feeding said anxiety.

My inability to fucking chill... Though I'm told I am chill (the voices in my head say so).

Holy shit the Cure is tonight ...

questioning

Random thoughts in head about the state of the world and if it's possible to curb human paranoia and the drive of competition...

Is it capitalism or is it human greed... It's not like I'm really questioning wether or not it's a POS economic system... Is see it for being one if not they biggest problem with humanity atm.

But you won't be dismantling it anytime soon. As long at the 1% remain in power... And the propaganda systems them have in place... 

Feeling old

 why is this heroin. this nostalgia of a time that was so full of ignorance.. full of firsts.. full of failures.. songs attached to moments so far gone now..  songs not even really attached to the past but drive that feeling full speed ahead..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q53oZpyxZ-8

Even the og version from Prince is worse for me... that one has that whole moment of my life from when I was younger...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXS2KdNzMDk

the obsession with youth... the obsession of a time long gone from moments that won't come back...

 

why does this make me sad... why am i torturing myself with this... is it to remind me of the present?

 

such a dq..

what is being taught

 so I'm trying to look up something along these lines.. the curriculum of the US student K-12.. but my responses are CRT issues. Not the same thing... hmmm... paranoid algorithm thoughts intensifying..

so now I'm in this mode of trying to discover what the actual curriculum is for the avg US student k-12

So many things come to mind.. and the responses I see from Quora are a bit humorous in my anti capitalist thought...

subversive thought

 I sit here wondering about my humanity... I wonder about my current situation.. I struggle with fomo...

thinking if I only had a car... well I'm more concerned about getting that 20/20 job... it's a part of the plan.

I'm struggling with a number of things.. and one of them is overriding the supposed topic... I'm questioning my logic in the sens of I'm not helping anyone if I move to Tx in the current state of self and all that it encompasses. Similar to the instruction while on a plane of putting your mask on first before helping others. Same goes with lifeguards and rescuing people, careful or you could get dragged down.

I struggle knowing where my kids are at in life at the moment. Why do I have this inclination to want to fix this... knowing that my broken ass self is barely capable of breathing above ground at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I was actually thinking about my mortality today and where I stood at the moment in my regards to life and if I wanted to be alive. Honestly yes I do... it's still been since 2019 since my last attempt are ending it all. I hit a sobering revelation about myself and life and how I see it all. Granted this was the time when I was freshly out of work and my oldest boy was at the tipping point of his own mental health challenges. Which would come to ahead of their own and putting the nail in the coffin for a 25+ year marriage and sent me to Ca where X was and everyone else to Tx from NC.

k and op

That hike wore me out

gummy candies

Those watermelon 🍉 ones... Super chewy awesome 

having a bit o deja Vu?? rinse and repeat..

Getting ready for the club.. I'm 50.. pre game onnnnn....

I've been very productive.. moving towards objectives.. artsy creative shite.... Painting is a part of this ..  letting go . Pushing as the wind wills...

next chapter.. next steps.. new adventure...

 so it's the first Monday back since Austin, since Petey, since not being sick...

I'm trying not to get over emotional here as I wrap up my morning, coffee, exercise, YT videos from  Kurzgesagt, Philosophy Tube, & CCDM...

Why do I want to cry though, why is there this emotional heartfelt triggering of people's success, or revelations about reality that I personally identify with. 

I need a game plan plan plan plan... How am I going to generate 1500 a month... what is the routine that is going to generate that from look like? What avenues of production (clothing, furniture, accessories, etc) is that going to entail? Days of production? Sales?

I'm so fucking high

Just that.. broke.. jobless.. having fun.. at 50..

my heart breaks for Palestine!!!

I hate having to scroll through the current reality reels on Instagram...

I hate having to feel disgusted at the atrocities being committed against the Palestinians and that there is nothing I can do. At least that is how I feel and writing about said feelings seems tantamount to thoughts and prayers..

I hate this feeling if powerlessness... I think the feeling is me being afraid more than anything... But voices multiplied and all that...

happy for ya

So I'm in the midst of trying to formulate the words I need to say to Pam.

I'm trying to find the right words.

Currently I have two versions....

Pam acceptable one is... I don't have anything to convey that I feel you would be able to fully understand and comprehend that would make you satisfied. I feel there is a gap of knowledge around certain subjects as it pertains to reality. Including but not limited to history, science, and philosophy. These are some broad strokes, so here are some more directed topics in the form of questions.

How do you perceive reality? 

Thoughts/opinions around any of the following:

Your humanity

How do you view the role of a citizen as it pertains to civic duty?

Thoughts on WW1&2

The concept of "reality is a social construct"?

What form of government is best?

How do you know if something is true or not?

Why does math work? Also how can abstract such as itself work in this manner?

Have you felt trapped in your mind? Details about this.

I have hundreds more questions.

Who do you want to be? Are you happy with who you are? Do you love yourself?

I ask myself these questions as well and I struggle and fight to hopefully change for the better, I'm still aware of how short I am in this 🥁. 

I have spent and will continue to spend time and effort towards understanding these things as they help me to understand this hell scape of a reality. I read books and other educational materials to fill in the gaps from the abysmal excuse of the American public education. There is so much fucking information left out, our world is built upon the foundations of the ancients. Greece, Rome, Babylon, China, Inca, Egyptian, etc. Each laying down a brick of specific knowledge, foundational knowledge such as mathematics, and language, and critical analysis and how they are to be used. 

All of that has been stripped down to make a docile and compliant society. There are hundreds of thousands of books and other documents from one civilization to another documenting their trials and tribulations, the rise and fall of empires, of people's, of species.

I'm not taking conspiracy theory shit. This is the cyclical history of humanity. Those in power will not give up that power willingly. I'm diverging and the expanded thoughts on this is a topic for another day.

My ignorance has no bounds... So I have to look for reason and logic to make sense of everything. 

Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

Philosophy taught me that language has rules that will help you filter out bullshit. Though science says our inherent biases play another role in this and that makes it difficult for us to see our own blind spots. 

Now I feel like I'm on a rant...

I don't want to go on a rant.. but it's not possible for me to just say hey here's 3-4 sentences in a subject that I've condensed to hell that only has a general flavor of opinion on said topic knowing full well that I have layers of contextual information in regards to it and if I spent actual dedicated time on these individual items I could probably come up with even more complex layers of contextual information.

I've spent so much time these past few years wrestling with my failures. As a person, a father, a husband, a friend.. but it's my own disappoint about myself I have to get over. I have to see my failures as education... A fundamental education that if I didn't learn from then I am only to blame. No one is going to save me but myself, yet I know I'm my own worst enemy and my greatest source of strength. I know I bullshit myself in things.. and I know if I don't make the change it will not get better. I have to do the work. 

It's taken me so fucking long to get to this point. Ive had so many fits and tantrums on trying to get a feeling of contentment in my life. I'm sounding unhinged or that's how I perceive it. Yeah I'm not good with words... I struggle and struggle and struggle to find the context within the words that I need to convey. There is so much emotion and referential anecdotal experience associated with them where it feels like I need to tell the stories behind multiple different examples...

I think of words as an inconvenient vehicle to convey ones prism of emotions. Sure red is a color but what if it's a bit more passionate or somber or vibrant or erratic or psychedelic? Magenta, crimson, Vermillion, brick red, orange red,...

One size does not fit all.. reality is a construct. The truth we've been forced fed is a lie.

I'm not capable of being a relationship with anyone... I know this about myself.

I'm deathly afraid of hurting people... 

Yet anytime I'm around you I want hold you and not let go. I will always be reminded of you... There's always something that reminds me of you. I'm always conflicted when out visiting, as the close proximity to everyone makes me elated. 

I've spent 40 plus years through therapy... It's only been the last 10 where I've felt any actual progress, but that only happened when I took action. When I decided to learn about reality.

You don't know what you don't know... Though why do we assume what we know is factual or correct? If we see the problems around us.. what is our responsibility? How do we know what to do or not do? Education never ends. Change is a fact of life and with thousands of years of history of hundreds if not thousands of topics... How do you know you have the knowledge and skills needed to participate? 

This is how my brain works... 

I want to know who you are... What are your thoughts about all in this reality... I'm driven towards curious things..

I know life is scary... But why are you scared of it so much?

Do you question your dislikes? Like analyze it obsessively for a while until your satisfied with something bearing something reasonable or go huh?

What's the answer to the trolley problem.

Is it an emotional reason or a logical reason?

So I see this as a ying yang ☯️ question... There's an actual definition for this but I can't remember at the moment. Either or.. type strawman I think.. rules of logic.. so if it's all emotion it could be very detrimental... Same with all logic, which is why I see it as needing the correct balanced approach. Just enough logical emotion.. get rid of either or thinking.. yes.. no..  just say no to binary thinking.

Life is not back and white. There's nuance in the chaos. Life is a spectrum of waves and cycles and vibrations of light. That's physics... I have references for all of this rooted in science.

So let's go through what you wrote..

Yeah so apparently I suck at this stuff in email version as well,

I know you don't suck at that stuff. Your just scared, it's scary as hell to let people inside. I'm afraid of my words, will they be heard.. will they be understood as I convey them to others. 

 but here goes, I still love you and I’m pretty sure I always will. I’m still working on how to let go of all the hurt and anger that I feel from how things led to where we are now. 

I'll never not love you, and I'll never not be afraid of hurting you knowing what I did. I also know full well that there to too much of an opportunity for negative shit to happen given the factors, how we feel, history, and unintentional reactions due to familiar behaviors.

I know Tabetha would be ecstatic if you were to move to Austin and I would be okay with that too, but I don’t think that it would mean us being actually together again.

Not sure how T figures in this... But my reading between the lines seems to tell me you would like me out there to help. Yes.. just like that Taylor Swift song. 

 We could go do stuff together from time to time and hook up occasionally, but live apart. 

Taco trucks and hikes?

Not sure how I feel about that second one..

I'd kill people for leaving messes these days, definitely live apart.

Idk what exactly I’m trying to say. This isn’t as easy to convey as I thought it would be.

It never is... Words suck... The effort required to put ones linear thoughts down on a single subject could takes dozens if not hundreds if words to get the picture just right. Paint a picture with words... I have pages of pages about how I feel...  

How I see the world.. my failures.. laments.. annoying revelations about my deficiencies.. lack of this or that... But that just means I have time to focus on my strengths.. so I have a plan.. well at least for now. I have changed, but then again maybe I haven't. Changed my viewpoints and expanded them on many topics. Life is very much like Shrek... It's layered. In all aspects of this reality that we share.

Right now Texas is not it. California offers too many incentives at the moment. Though if and when my Dad moves to Austin (we've talked about it recently) then I'll start looking.

I don't think we are compatible and this is one of the biggest reasons for why I agree on us not getting back together... while we have a historical familiarity for over 25 years, it's our brains trying to screw with me.. the very destitute situation that most of us are in doesn't help. The emotional pull towards what is comfortable, but is it for the better? Am I being honest if I let my emotions dictate my answers to tough situations? If I'm struggling, how is that gonna help others? Does it make sense in a trying to survive reality that we are sharing to leave a state that I have free safety net resources to move to a state that has zero or more difficult to acquire requirements and much  more limited safety net resources?

Like I said... until my Dad moves to Austin.. I will not.

( the title of this post was actually for a different thought all together)

If someone says "I'm happy" and a 2nd person responds "I'm happy that you're happy", but the reply from the first person is "yeah I manged to kill a bunch of kids". Are you still thinking "I'm happy that you're happy"?

k

 so wanting to open a door..

to wanting to know this unknown...

to this experience outside myself... and with 

I do not see any other way that Id want to go...

Those that want to enslave us for corporate gains..

the cycle repeats itself and the next generation is here to take the place of the next and it goes on and on..

I can't leave LA..

you are what you eat

 so this phrase has been on my mind as of late and the meaning behind it.

Essentially the meaning is this... whatever you consume is who you are.. this can include some of the following scenarios...

A person who consumes too much food will more than likely be of larger mass, unless however the caloric consumption is less than expended energy. One who limits their intake can also be adversely affected. If you deprived a garden of essential nutrients or other agricultural necessity this will have adverse effects on the vegetation being grown. Same as if you deprived a human of essentials to promote and foster ones growth. 

----

are we in an history of humanity that is expressing it's most polarized attributes of itself?

Extremism (what is extremism?)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extremism 

I think my thoughts would be considered extreme... Well let me re-phrase this.

I in my being feel that I am capable of having what I'll call a fluid opinion. Fluid as it reacts towards an opinion of a specific topic or situation depending on what the information is and I am free to reevaluate that opinion at any time. 

That said I think humanity is on a crash course towards destruction... to act like we aren't is fucking asinine! Look at all the bickering that is happening at the moment as Western Countries continue to rape and pillage developing nations at breakneck pace. They want these generational wars, the corporations run this planet and if you can't connect the dots of history to see the systematic oppression being laid down brick by fucking brick century after century, wars fought for land.. for resources... under false pretenses.. "cold wars"... skirmishes... operations... disturbances...

we are fodder for the corporate machine.. your ignorance is mandatory... compliance non-negotiable..

panic inducing good thoughts

Was sitting here thinking about my oldest boy and his situation. The sadness that comes to heart as his life has been derailed by schizophrenia and how difficult it is in regards to meaningful communicative bonding. As humans bond over experiences, and his diminished ability to recall events makes this heartbreaking at times unable to recollect shared experiences. In trying to adopt a more positive mindset I also stumbled onto something of a trap, or so I think. 

That is knowing the horrific situation as it is, and trying to remain positive could be an anxiety trigger. Having this insurmountable issue before you, wanting with all my being to "fix it", but knowing also that it's beyond my control. Yet having to accept it... Which you have to. Chaos is life, life is chaos as we are presented with this illusion of free will. Which is why I feel like reality is a hell. To be presented with so many joys in life to have them taken away as you wither and die like a flower on a vine. 

I struggle with my thoughts at the moment. I have too much on my mind in actuality. Too many separate contextually relevant aspects of information trying to flood my brain all at once.

I think I found it...

 So I think I have been going about this in the wrong direction...

I think i found a solution to how to achieve what I want to do.. I just need to make 1500 a month...

something part time..

the weird ways I've been honest

Was thinking about how when I was younger I had this weird thing about trying to be honest, in spite of my delinquency. Example I remember going to see the movie Sid and Nancy when it came out. I may have been 12... My mother dropped me off at the movie theaters in Costa Mesa next to Niguchi Gardens. The gardens remain the theatre is gone. Used to be a Jerry's Deli there as well in that plaza.

So I go up and ask for a ticket for the movie, not really thinking anything about being denied this experience. Needless to say that was not gonna happen. I think that was the only time I got turned down for that type of exchange. 

The clip of Pat Smear from Decline of a Western Civilization... Wondering how long it's been since I saw that flick .. which I think I was 12 when I saw that one.. maybe 14.. so foundational...

40 years ago

Was thinking how the year my parents got divorced was the year of my delinquency start...

Smoking cigarettes... Copenhagen... Weed... Running around at night unsupervised... So many bad choices...

I may have started before I was 10 however...