I sit here wondering about my humanity... I wonder about my current situation.. I struggle with fomo...
thinking if I only had a car... well I'm more concerned about getting that 20/20 job... it's a part of the plan.
I'm struggling with a number of things.. and one of them is overriding the supposed topic... I'm questioning my logic in the sens of I'm not helping anyone if I move to Tx in the current state of self and all that it encompasses. Similar to the instruction while on a plane of putting your mask on first before helping others. Same goes with lifeguards and rescuing people, careful or you could get dragged down.
I struggle knowing where my kids are at in life at the moment. Why do I have this inclination to want to fix this... knowing that my broken ass self is barely capable of breathing above ground at the moment.
Don't get me wrong, I was actually thinking about my mortality today and where I stood at the moment in my regards to life and if I wanted to be alive. Honestly yes I do... it's still been since 2019 since my last attempt are ending it all. I hit a sobering revelation about myself and life and how I see it all. Granted this was the time when I was freshly out of work and my oldest boy was at the tipping point of his own mental health challenges. Which would come to ahead of their own and putting the nail in the coffin for a 25+ year marriage and sent me to Ca where X was and everyone else to Tx from NC.
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