I'm trying to find the right words.
Currently I have two versions....
Pam acceptable one is... I don't have anything to convey that I feel you would be able to fully understand and comprehend that would make you satisfied. I feel there is a gap of knowledge around certain subjects as it pertains to reality. Including but not limited to history, science, and philosophy. These are some broad strokes, so here are some more directed topics in the form of questions.
How do you perceive reality?
Thoughts/opinions around any of the following:
Your humanity
How do you view the role of a citizen as it pertains to civic duty?
Thoughts on WW1&2
The concept of "reality is a social construct"?
What form of government is best?
How do you know if something is true or not?
Why does math work? Also how can abstract such as itself work in this manner?
Have you felt trapped in your mind? Details about this.
I have hundreds more questions.
Who do you want to be? Are you happy with who you are? Do you love yourself?
I ask myself these questions as well and I struggle and fight to hopefully change for the better, I'm still aware of how short I am in this 🥁.
I have spent and will continue to spend time and effort towards understanding these things as they help me to understand this hell scape of a reality. I read books and other educational materials to fill in the gaps from the abysmal excuse of the American public education. There is so much fucking information left out, our world is built upon the foundations of the ancients. Greece, Rome, Babylon, China, Inca, Egyptian, etc. Each laying down a brick of specific knowledge, foundational knowledge such as mathematics, and language, and critical analysis and how they are to be used.
All of that has been stripped down to make a docile and compliant society. There are hundreds of thousands of books and other documents from one civilization to another documenting their trials and tribulations, the rise and fall of empires, of people's, of species.
I'm not taking conspiracy theory shit. This is the cyclical history of humanity. Those in power will not give up that power willingly. I'm diverging and the expanded thoughts on this is a topic for another day.
My ignorance has no bounds... So I have to look for reason and logic to make sense of everything.
Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.
Philosophy taught me that language has rules that will help you filter out bullshit. Though science says our inherent biases play another role in this and that makes it difficult for us to see our own blind spots.
Now I feel like I'm on a rant...
I don't want to go on a rant.. but it's not possible for me to just say hey here's 3-4 sentences in a subject that I've condensed to hell that only has a general flavor of opinion on said topic knowing full well that I have layers of contextual information in regards to it and if I spent actual dedicated time on these individual items I could probably come up with even more complex layers of contextual information.
I've spent so much time these past few years wrestling with my failures. As a person, a father, a husband, a friend.. but it's my own disappoint about myself I have to get over. I have to see my failures as education... A fundamental education that if I didn't learn from then I am only to blame. No one is going to save me but myself, yet I know I'm my own worst enemy and my greatest source of strength. I know I bullshit myself in things.. and I know if I don't make the change it will not get better. I have to do the work.
It's taken me so fucking long to get to this point. Ive had so many fits and tantrums on trying to get a feeling of contentment in my life. I'm sounding unhinged or that's how I perceive it. Yeah I'm not good with words... I struggle and struggle and struggle to find the context within the words that I need to convey. There is so much emotion and referential anecdotal experience associated with them where it feels like I need to tell the stories behind multiple different examples...
I think of words as an inconvenient vehicle to convey ones prism of emotions. Sure red is a color but what if it's a bit more passionate or somber or vibrant or erratic or psychedelic? Magenta, crimson, Vermillion, brick red, orange red,...
One size does not fit all.. reality is a construct. The truth we've been forced fed is a lie.
I'm not capable of being a relationship with anyone... I know this about myself.
I'm deathly afraid of hurting people...
Yet anytime I'm around you I want hold you and not let go. I will always be reminded of you... There's always something that reminds me of you. I'm always conflicted when out visiting, as the close proximity to everyone makes me elated.
I've spent 40 plus years through therapy... It's only been the last 10 where I've felt any actual progress, but that only happened when I took action. When I decided to learn about reality.
You don't know what you don't know... Though why do we assume what we know is factual or correct? If we see the problems around us.. what is our responsibility? How do we know what to do or not do? Education never ends. Change is a fact of life and with thousands of years of history of hundreds if not thousands of topics... How do you know you have the knowledge and skills needed to participate?
This is how my brain works...
I want to know who you are... What are your thoughts about all in this reality... I'm driven towards curious things..
I know life is scary... But why are you scared of it so much?
Do you question your dislikes? Like analyze it obsessively for a while until your satisfied with something bearing something reasonable or go huh?
What's the answer to the trolley problem.
Is it an emotional reason or a logical reason?
So I see this as a ying yang ☯️ question... There's an actual definition for this but I can't remember at the moment. Either or.. type strawman I think.. rules of logic.. so if it's all emotion it could be very detrimental... Same with all logic, which is why I see it as needing the correct balanced approach. Just enough logical emotion.. get rid of either or thinking.. yes.. no.. just say no to binary thinking.
Life is not back and white. There's nuance in the chaos. Life is a spectrum of waves and cycles and vibrations of light. That's physics... I have references for all of this rooted in science.
So let's go through what you wrote..
Yeah so apparently I suck at this stuff in email version as well,
I know you don't suck at that stuff. Your just scared, it's scary as hell to let people inside. I'm afraid of my words, will they be heard.. will they be understood as I convey them to others.
but here goes, I still love you and I’m pretty sure I always will. I’m still working on how to let go of all the hurt and anger that I feel from how things led to where we are now.
I'll never not love you, and I'll never not be afraid of hurting you knowing what I did. I also know full well that there to too much of an opportunity for negative shit to happen given the factors, how we feel, history, and unintentional reactions due to familiar behaviors.
I know Tabetha would be ecstatic if you were to move to Austin and I would be okay with that too, but I don’t think that it would mean us being actually together again.
Not sure how T figures in this... But my reading between the lines seems to tell me you would like me out there to help. Yes.. just like that Taylor Swift song.
We could go do stuff together from time to time and hook up occasionally, but live apart.
Taco trucks and hikes?
Not sure how I feel about that second one..
I'd kill people for leaving messes these days, definitely live apart.
Idk what exactly I’m trying to say. This isn’t as easy to convey as I thought it would be.
It never is... Words suck... The effort required to put ones linear thoughts down on a single subject could takes dozens if not hundreds if words to get the picture just right. Paint a picture with words... I have pages of pages about how I feel...
How I see the world.. my failures.. laments.. annoying revelations about my deficiencies.. lack of this or that... But that just means I have time to focus on my strengths.. so I have a plan.. well at least for now. I have changed, but then again maybe I haven't. Changed my viewpoints and expanded them on many topics. Life is very much like Shrek... It's layered. In all aspects of this reality that we share.
Right now Texas is not it. California offers too many incentives at the moment. Though if and when my Dad moves to Austin (we've talked about it recently) then I'll start looking.
I don't think we are compatible and this is one of the biggest reasons for why I agree on us not getting back together... while we have a historical familiarity for over 25 years, it's our brains trying to screw with me.. the very destitute situation that most of us are in doesn't help. The emotional pull towards what is comfortable, but is it for the better? Am I being honest if I let my emotions dictate my answers to tough situations? If I'm struggling, how is that gonna help others? Does it make sense in a trying to survive reality that we are sharing to leave a state that I have free safety net resources to move to a state that has zero or more difficult to acquire requirements and much more limited safety net resources?
Like I said... until my Dad moves to Austin.. I will not.
( the title of this post was actually for a different thought all together)
If
someone says "I'm happy" and a 2nd person responds "I'm happy that
you're happy", but the reply from the first person is "yeah I manged to
kill a bunch of kids". Are you still thinking "I'm happy that you're
happy"?
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