panic inducing good thoughts

Was sitting here thinking about my oldest boy and his situation. The sadness that comes to heart as his life has been derailed by schizophrenia and how difficult it is in regards to meaningful communicative bonding. As humans bond over experiences, and his diminished ability to recall events makes this heartbreaking at times unable to recollect shared experiences. In trying to adopt a more positive mindset I also stumbled onto something of a trap, or so I think. 

That is knowing the horrific situation as it is, and trying to remain positive could be an anxiety trigger. Having this insurmountable issue before you, wanting with all my being to "fix it", but knowing also that it's beyond my control. Yet having to accept it... Which you have to. Chaos is life, life is chaos as we are presented with this illusion of free will. Which is why I feel like reality is a hell. To be presented with so many joys in life to have them taken away as you wither and die like a flower on a vine. 

I struggle with my thoughts at the moment. I have too much on my mind in actuality. Too many separate contextually relevant aspects of information trying to flood my brain all at once.